i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
