very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
