Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
