The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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