I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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