i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
