I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Randomize
