If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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