drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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