made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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