he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
