my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
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