Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
