in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
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