The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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