i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
