you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Randomize
