Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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