Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Randomize
