If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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