I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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