Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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