Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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