Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
