I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
