my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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