Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
