i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
