...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
