Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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