I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
