please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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