when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
