if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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