In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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