I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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