Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
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