Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
