Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
