were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
im six kinds of drunk right now
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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