Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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