were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
