So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
He's a Shit stain on my heart
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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