He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Randomize
