dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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