Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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