I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
