I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Boobs are out for the taking
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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