Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
