Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
