i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
