wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
