got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
