Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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