I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
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